It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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