The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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