Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
