I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
