We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
