Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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