you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
