Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
