i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
