i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
