I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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