all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
