So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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