I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
