so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We named our party play list daddy issues
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
