Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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