When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
