I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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