I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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