R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
