Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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