There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
