cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
