I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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