I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
