If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
