Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Blood and glitter go together right?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
