She is in my trunk
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
