boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
