She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
dude. I can hear the air.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
