Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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