does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
two words...techno handjob
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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