Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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