I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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