Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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