whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
