So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
