i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
