if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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