Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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