I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
