I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
