I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
