Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
love makes seman taste better
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
