apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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