More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
