I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
