Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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