roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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