the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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