Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
