a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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