I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
