in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
