I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
