Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
