I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
