direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
