If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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