she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
