Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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